I identify as an antique shop.
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I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.