Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
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We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
calling in to work dehydrated
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.