It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Walmart pokes holes in the condoms to ensure customer retention.
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My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
Gravediggers: this is why
She won’t admit she’s obsessed with Instagram…
But her kids’ names are Brannan, Kelvin, and Valencia.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
therapist: u suffer from social isolation
me: oh no
therapist: you just need to talk to people
me: OH NO
*Looks up from pestle and mortar “Phew! Powdering this baby is hard!”
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
5-year-old: A horse.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.