@AthenaMystique

Walmart pokes holes in the condoms to ensure customer retention.

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.

@BrainPornNinja

If you line up all your ex lovers in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?

@rickolantern

Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.

I won every single event.

Every. Single. Event.

@Thee1_4U

My daughter just said that I’m the best dad she’s ever had. So I got that going for me.

@rachelle_mandik

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

@TheBoydP

The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.

@iGreenMonk

When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young!!

@JediGigi

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.