@AthenaMystique

Walmart pokes holes in the condoms to ensure customer retention.

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@MelvinofYork

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

@BradBroaddus

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

@notalogin

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

@McCutty1

She won’t admit she’s obsessed with Instagram…

But her kids’ names are Brannan, Kelvin, and Valencia.

@Prof_Hinkley

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

@tweetsbyrocket

therapist: u suffer from social isolation

me: oh no

therapist: you just need to talk to people

me: OH NO

@Spaziotwat

*Looks up from pestle and mortar “Phew! Powdering this baby is hard!”

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.

@weinerdog4life

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.