imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
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Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Not all heroes wear capes.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
love pickles so much i put myself in one
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.