No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
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So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
never forget
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Sing it!
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified