[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
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If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Proctology is located in A55
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
My biological clock is wheezing.