Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
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Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
What a light weight. My roomba is completely tanked after 1 margarita
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
4 words. 5 syllables. Easy to say. Hard to prove. ”I am a zebra.”
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist