@FilthyRichmond

Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

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@_ElvishPresley_

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

@poutinesmoothie

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

@gtcolliins

What a light weight. My roomba is completely tanked after 1 margarita

@GroovyCheese

4 words. 5 syllables. Easy to say. Hard to prove. ”I am a zebra.”

@RobDenBleyker

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

@sixfootcandy

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

@UnFitz

If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?

@Reverend_Scott

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

@texasstalkermom

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist