Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

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Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that


Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.


What a light weight. My roomba is completely tanked after 1 margarita


4 words. 5 syllables. Easy to say. Hard to prove. ”I am a zebra.”


Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.


The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.


If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?


Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-


Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh


Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist