Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

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A ladies magazine told me to compliment my wifes booty. So I told her I was glad it wasn’t hairy. I need a place to stay


Who called it death by autoerotic asphyxiation and not final fantasy


i edited the lyrics of mr brightside using google autocomplete results


Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.


*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob


I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.


NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom


Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.


Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.


My husband has been missing for a week, the police say to prepare for the worst… So I went to the thrift store & got all his clothes back!