“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
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65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
When news reporters do sports stories
Morning my dudes.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
twitter users today:
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″