@7_Cents

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

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@girl_a_whirl

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.

@ArfMeasures

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

@ParentNormal

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

@Chhapiness

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

@CoopSoSarc

Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life

Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs

Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago

@SarahB_D

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?

@GoldenSpirals

Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”

@DamnitJosh

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

@joejwest

[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way