Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
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Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
(by @ZachWeiner )
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
All generalizations are stupid.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.