Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

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With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.


ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot


VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year


Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort


Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life

Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs

Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago


You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?


Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”


“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.


[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way