Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
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she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Thursday Thought.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no