@robdelaney

Walter White should get a monument & every healthcare exec should receive the sentence for his crimes. They made him.

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@NBrianJohnston

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

@MableGertrude

No one cared about leaving children in cars when I was young. I lived in the back of an old Buick with a pack of wild dogs until I was 9.

@Alex_Houseof308

Interviewer: It says here that your weakness is that you don’t pay attention. Is that true?

Me: Sorry, did you say something?

@frankzulla

“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad

@TheAndrewNadeau

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

@tastefactory

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

@ShortSleeveSuit

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

@bombsydoll

*sees guy having a heart attack*
me: quick somebody push a cookie in his mouth!
person: isn’t that for diabetics?
me: it’s what I would want