@robdelaney

Walter White should get a monument & every healthcare exec should receive the sentence for his crimes. They made him.

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@BakedElle

I now pronounce you internet boyfriend and girlfriend.
You may put your hand down your pants and kiss your phone.

@AmericanGent69

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!

@elunatyk

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

@Darlainky

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

@Brampersandon_

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

@KattsDogma

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

@UncleDuke1969

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

@bornmiserable

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW