@ThatRascalPuff

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

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@treydayway

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

@dimplesticks

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

@Man_wonders

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

@LoriLuvsShoes

My 21yr old son: “Mom sometimes I think you only had me for the free, lifetime tech support”

*slow wink*

@Jandalize

Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

@krisv_723

Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow

@envydatropic

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

@LeBearGirdle

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

@PinkCamoTO

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

@Rollinintheseat

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.