I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
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5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
My 21yr old son: “Mom sometimes I think you only had me for the free, lifetime tech support”
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
E:I can kiss away your pain
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.