Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
cry laughing at this shit