Wanna burn fat quickly and without dieting?

Here, take this gasoline and matches.

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At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.


The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.


*Putting ikea furniture together*
Her: ummm, it’s supposed to be a dresser
Me:* Standing next to a wooden T.Rex* I KNOW WHAT IM DOING, LINDA


[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”


How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.


Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.


Well, well, well, if it isn’t the person whose name I’ve forgotten.


An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road


[knocks on your door 10 years later]
Were you flirting with me?