@salamingia

Wanna burn fat quickly and without dieting?

Here, take this gasoline and matches.

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@SnarkyMommy78

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

@UncleDuke1969

The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.

@Dis0beyJay

*Putting ikea furniture together*
Her: ummm, it’s supposed to be a dresser
Me:* Standing next to a wooden T.Rex* I KNOW WHAT IM DOING, LINDA

@david8hughes

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

@Dawn_M_

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

@WeissBrandon

Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.

@KevinFarzad

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the person whose name I’ve forgotten.

@SJSchauer

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

@dafloydsta

[knocks on your door 10 years later]
Were you flirting with me?