Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
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馃拃馃拃
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I鈥檓 ready
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
馃幍 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 馃幍
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn鈥檛 even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Me: I鈥檒l take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police