So glad we cleared that up
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My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics