Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
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serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Yes, but it was never about money
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac