Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do