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Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
This took me a second..
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.