Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

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My new boyfriend says the cutest things, like “Who are you?” and “Why are you hiding outside my house?” and “My wife is calling the police.”


[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain


Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.


DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool


When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…


Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.


Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*


Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.


I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.