Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
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Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin