@awkwardphilippe

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

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@Schmoodles

My new boyfriend says the cutest things, like “Who are you?” and “Why are you hiding outside my house?” and “My wife is calling the police.”

@thatdutchperson

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

@PFTompkins

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

@brendohare

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

@SummerSongGirl

When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…

@broodingYAhero

Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.

@Reverend_Scott

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

@Dong_Hanger

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

@Elizasoul80

I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.