What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
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So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.