“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
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HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
a fate I wish upon no one
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’