Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
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WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.