Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
You Might Also Like
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense