Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

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Don’t you hate it when you’re so high on drugs that simple, everyday, mundane tasks become difficult? Anyway, I pissed on your sofa.


Next time you’re in the changing room and sales person asks if you need anything, just say “Yes, can I get some toilet paper?”


So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??


Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits.


Waitress: Would you prefer your order with a side of fries or salad?

Me: Would you prefer your tip with cash or advice?


[riding crowded elevator]

Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make

Jeez Louise: five


I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another


Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free