Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
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I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.