Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

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Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known


I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.


You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.


*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*

Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.

Depth Metal


BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it


[calls wife from store]

“Are you in more of a frolicking or jumping in the air mood? There’s so many tampon choices”


“what are you screaming for?”

first of aII, you aImost made me drop my croissant


ALFRED: *wringing out wet birthday party invitation* it’s difficult to read, but i’d hazard a guess at aquaman, master wayne


I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.