Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
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I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
[calls wife from store]
“Are you in more of a frolicking or jumping in the air mood? There’s so many tampon choices”
“what are you screaming for?”
first of aII, you aImost made me drop my croissant
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
ALFRED: *wringing out wet birthday party invitation* it’s difficult to read, but i’d hazard a guess at aquaman, master wayne
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.