Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
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ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.