Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
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I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs