Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
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[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
#Caturday
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.