wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
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H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Expect the unexporcupine.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*