Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
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Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here