@banish_all_hope

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

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@RockabillyJay

If fire shoots out of the chimney the Papal Conclave has selected a new drummer for Slayer.

@buhsbaby_baby

You know what I’d like for Christmas, mom? I’d like you to stop treating me like a child. Also I’d like some money and some new socks.

@man_in_radiator

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

@shariv67

This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.

@Playing_Dad

Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?

@LostFelicia

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

@Sir_Strange

“Oh my god, you’ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?”

– my mother

@Tazanna_Sandra

Never ask a man if he is single. Instead ask him “is anyone under the impression that they are in a relationship with you?”

@UncleDuke1969

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)