@banish_all_hope

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

- @banish_all_hope

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@QwertyJones3

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

@momjeansplease

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

@steveolivas

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

@dorsalstream

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.

PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

@gogglepossum

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

@mossperricone

lol at people who think they’re a hypochondriac for using WebMD. Hit me up when you’re paying urgent care doctors hundreds of dollars a month to say stuff like “if your throat was closing up, your throat would be closing up”

@JediGigi

[dont let him know you’re a sponge]

Waitress: *spills drink on table*

GERONIMO *bellyflops on table* SPRAY SOME CLEANER I GOT THIS oh damn

@APowerfulMagnet

Professor x: What’s your power.

Me: I can rotate anything.

Professor +: Wow.

@AntonioFrench

Trump’s foreign policy answers sound like a book report from a teenager who hasn’t read the book. “Oh, the grapes! They had so much wrath!”