I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
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So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing