Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
You Might Also Like
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.