@YayForJam

Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart

You Might Also Like

@prodigalsam

In the meantime I plan on absolutely crushing it over on LinkedIn.

@Diversion50

[supermarket]

*Unpacks 60 items of groceries onto checkout area*

CHECKOUT GIRL: I have a boyfriend.

ME: Oh, OK.

*slowly repacks trolley*

@DrakeGatsby

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

@KWalps

Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.

@jakery

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

@moose_chocolate

Super Mario Brothers left me with highly unrealistic expectations of how exciting a career in plumbing would be.

@FunnyIsFamily

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

@Halbeerz

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

@InsouciantMan

Any man can undress a woman with his eyes. Be different. Undress her with your nose.

@sixfootcandy

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.