Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart

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In the meantime I plan on absolutely crushing it over on LinkedIn.



*Unpacks 60 items of groceries onto checkout area*

CHECKOUT GIRL: I have a boyfriend.

ME: Oh, OK.

*slowly repacks trolley*


Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection


Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.


my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming


Super Mario Brothers left me with highly unrealistic expectations of how exciting a career in plumbing would be.


My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.


If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??


Any man can undress a woman with his eyes. Be different. Undress her with your nose.


You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.