Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
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Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
That’s fair
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
LA today:
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
We all have our pet causes.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess