[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
You Might Also Like
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Teach your children to beatbox
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
“HELP WITH CAT”
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.