@HatfieldAnne

Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.

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@moose_chocolate

Why does the media always call a stabbing incident a “violent” stabbing incident? Is it possible to stab someone non-violently?

@phaggots

“911, please help im dying”
Good cop: help is on the way
Bad cop: just suck it up and be a man
Dad cop: hi dying, im dad

@KelFocker

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

@ovotiann

This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.

@fro_vo

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

@joejwest

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

@ShortSleeveSuit

[at hardware store]

Me [wiping my mouth]: Waiter I would like another bucket of color soup please

Employee: Sir you probably shouldn’t be drinking our paint

Me: *tips hat* *passes out*

@JohnMayer

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

@dixie_lee_peas

Tattooes turn an average man into a man to look twice at. If i see ink i know he can handle pain….and that works for me, cause I’m a pain.