Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
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[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Awwwww shit.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING