Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
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My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.