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[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops