@shanethevein

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

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@swiftenhaal

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

@AmishPornStar1

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

@heykarlin

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

@KeetPotato

japanese chef: “we need a name for our sauce”
me: “what about Keithyaki? haha”
my friend Teri: “i have a much better idea”

@sreekyshooter

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

@blood_orphan

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

@leechee420

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.