@envydatropic

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

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@TheWeirdWorld

If gym equipment were invisible, then gyms would look like silent raves.

@AnOrangeSNES

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.

@spacej_me

I’m sorry I got salsa on your baby and I’m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip

@SherifLSharkawy

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.

@Kendragarden

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”

@SkinnieTalls

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

@SteveSuckington

“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?

“Exactly”

@PajamaStew

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

@Sarcasticsapien

People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.