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If gym equipment were invisible, then gyms would look like silent raves.


In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.


I’m sorry I got salsa on your baby and I’m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip


Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.


My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”


Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?


“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?



“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”


People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.