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“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*