Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
You Might Also Like
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard