Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

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Sometimes when I’m sad, I’ll go to the park and, from a distance, look thru my thumb and index finger and begin squishing people’s heads…


AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious



when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach


How do male civil unions not end with the phrase “I dude”?


Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.


Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED


If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.


When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money.
Can you believe how superficial I was?!?
Now I would date him for the prescriptions.


i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order