Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
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Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
There are usually two types of merchants.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
My blood type is coffee.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.