@QwertyJones3

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

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@Naked_Wombat

9: You like Twitter Dad?
Me: Yep
9: I’ll join and be your friend.
M: Cool, extra math is great!
9: It’s a math thing?
M: yep
9: nevermind

@RxitWounds

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

@UncleDuke1969

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.

@Ygrene

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

@LeftOf_Normal

My therapist told me “Write letters to the people you hate, and then burn them.” Did that, but now I don’t know what to do with the letters.

@Sarcasmo718

Someone needs to tell drug sniffing dogs about the whole “man’s best friend” thing.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.