“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

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[whispers in your ear] how did I get inside this ear?


This tweet would get all dressed up and go somewhere special on a Saturday night, but unfortunately it’s married.. so it’ll just get drunk.


The neighbor’s dog has barked non stop for three hours.

And now I know how the Chinese first discovered that dogs make a tasty snack.


[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?


I’m calling them Accused Murder Hornets until I hear their side the story.


bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet


date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist


Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter



[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?


[plumber] well here’s your problem.. *keeps pulling tied handkerchiefs from toilet*
[magician] it was like that when I bought the house