[whispers in your ear] how did I get inside this ear?
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
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This tweet would get all dressed up and go somewhere special on a Saturday night, but unfortunately it’s married.. so it’ll just get drunk.
The neighbor’s dog has barked non stop for three hours.
And now I know how the Chinese first discovered that dogs make a tasty snack.
Me: that is hilarious
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I’m calling them Accused Murder Hornets until I hear their side the story.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
[plumber] well here’s your problem.. *keeps pulling tied handkerchiefs from toilet*
[magician] it was like that when I bought the house