“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
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Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system