Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
You Might Also Like
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment