Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
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Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Your secret is safeish with me
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
(2022)
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.