Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
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5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Things will get butter, keep churning
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Not all heroes wear capes…
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.