Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
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I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating