Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
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schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
going to the ER y’all need anything
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most