Date: OMG yay there are 11 nuggets in my 10 piece
Me: [winking as I lock eyes with Genie I met last night] wow really?
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
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Her: Can you turn off the lights?
Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
every time i read ROFL I hear scooby doo trying to say waffle
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Beef jerky is just a cow raisin
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Reverse psychology is like regular psychology except the woman is facing the other way.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
I’m confused about plants