@kristendrum

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

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@steeve_again

Date: OMG yay there are 11 nuggets in my 10 piece

Me: [winking as I lock eyes with Genie I met last night] wow really?

@ArfMeasures

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

@YourMomsucksTho

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

@truegritrumble

ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?

@tsm560

Reverse psychology is like regular psychology except the woman is facing the other way.

@Holy_Mowgli

PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION

@secondofhername

The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.