“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
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Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
bias laundering edition
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Wait a second…
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.