Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
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texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
When your man makes a valid point
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
They’re on their honeymoon
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.